Bubble burst!

 It happened.

It really did.

And it was real, so so real.

If only for that moment.

I feel like someone has removed a limb 

I get it 

I do. 

You gotta function 

And so do i,

But Fuck, I don't want to right now.

I just wanna crawl inside myself and weep.

How can something build to a crescendo in two weeks 

And then be whipped away to nothing? 

I can't unfeel these emotions and I can't erase my thoughts 

Text messages and pictures and voice notes ...

All gone.

Even your number I can, and have deleted.

It's the only way I know how of stopping myself from reaching out to you 

Fuck it 

I don't want to be friends right now 

I don't want anything else except the picture you painted 

And the promises you made 

Fuck, every fibre of me just wants to me next to you 

And I understand this fucks with your head 

And mine too.

Im hoping that given a few days and busying yourself at work you mind set will be different. 

I'm hoping you can't live without me in your life,

I'm hoping you really wanna see me again. 

I'm hoping we can get to a happy medium with texts and calls 

I don't wanna lose what we've found

And I certainly don't wanna be a one night stand 

I'm glad I have here 

Glad I have somewhere to write and to let go.

If I'm not talking to you I have to get it out somehow 

So here seems the best place.

I miss you x

Fuck, I am undone!

 You 

It's always been you 

You have slid inside my mind 

Carved your name in my chest 

Ripped through all my walls and spoken directly to my soul. 

I feel everything 

It makes me feel so deliciously alive 

And lost 

Terrified 

And achingly wanton. 

I am both lost for words and yet have so many to tell you 

Each breath is a step closer to you 

It feels like I'm walking on sand 

And yet  I'm almost floating in this dizzying pleasure.

You have opened up a Pandora's box 

A huge wave of emotion that threatens to engulf me 

My arms so tired of being empty are now at last full 

My heart, wow, my heart is twice the size it was a week ago 

And my soul is alight 

Every part of me longs to discover you 

Please you 

Adore you 

I want to be enveloped so fully within your emotion 

Within you 

You 

It's always been you 

Sally x

Truths

The truth is.....

I haven't wondered at all what you look like 

What you sound like in person 

How you smile 

How'd you look at me 

Or have I?

The truth is.....

 I felt something that very first phonecall 

It was almost like an electrical charge 

I felt the need to be connected to you 

But couldn't understand why

I just knew I wanted to talk to you again 

The truth is....

I've imagined far too many things 

Scenarios, conversations and even touch 

You keep me awake at night 

And alert all day 

I do nothing but smile 

Even through Covid! 

The truth is.....

I hope in person I feel everything I do now and more 

I hope this feeling is tangible and not imaginary or fleeting 

Can two people know each other so well and as yet, not met each other?

Sally x 

"Just Coffee?"

 I've been twisting inside myself 

Keeping this secret 

Well not really a secret, more of a confession

A revelation if you will 

Another side of myself I have not yet exposed 

As many of us do, I have this innate fear of being judged 

Of being looked at a certain way 

And that eats away at my confidence 

And my self worth 

But above all things honesty is the one trait I value above all else 

Which is why I need to be honest with you 

There are two things I have not shown about myself 

Neither one of these changes who I am 

But could possibly affect how you see me 

And ultimately saying Hello over coffee! 

I don't know where this is going 

Or even what this is? 

I mean, it's intense and has happened so quickly 

My head is still spinning 

I don't know what you see, 

Or how come random texts have turned into full blown opening our souls up 

I should've stopped it before it snowballed 

Should've stepped back and just kept quiet 

Even now I'm thinking "Why are saying anything, it's just coffee!"

But what if it isn't 'just coffee' ?

I feel so very comfortable in your presence and yet we've not even been in the same room 

Have to admit, it's fucking with my head big time

But I'm trying not to analyse the shit out of it

If it's 'just coffee' then all of this is irrelevant

And my confession or my truths can be put to bed 

If it's just mates, with dinner and movie nights it's all good 

If it's a night out dancing, setting the world to rights as good friends 

That sounds perfect. 

Anything more, and I will bare my soul 

And let you decide then, if coffee and an axe are still on the table !!!

Is it just coffee?

Sally x

 

It's Okay

 Those walls around you 

So carefully constructed

Each brick, logically  placed 

Each memory carefully boxed 

And filed 

And I've taken a hammer to them! 

It's okay 

To feel exposed

Vunerable 

Naked even 

You're on this rollercoaster right now 

Without a safety bar or seatbelt in sight 

I see you 

Those memories, although tangible 

No longer have the power they used to 

Those thoughts so considerately put to bed 

Can no longer claw at your conscience 

It's all part of the make up of you 

We all have ugly parts 

Darkness like treacle, seeping into all our goodness

Doubts and insecurities clawing their way to the surface 

Step back and breathe 

Revel in all that you have conquered 

And bloody smile 

A great big, Cheshire cat smile 

And say "Fuck you World!'

Cos you are way stronger than you feel 

Just have a little faith in yourself 🙂

Sally x

The Psychopath Joker

 Hey you 

I see you, 

Hiding 

Masking your unrest with humour 

Chasing with devilment and a teasing wink.

Hey you 

I see you 

That soft spoken 

Once broken,  charmer of a man 

Shamelessly open and honest 

Hey you 

I hear you 

Have felt that pain

Touched that darkness 

And embraced the unknown

Hey you 

I hear you 

Those silent screams 

Filtering  unanswered questions 

Sifting through life's dilemmas 

Hey you 

I see you 

I see the light in you 

Through you 

Around you. 

And 

I 

Smile 😊

Sally x

Here once more...

What can I say, I have an extended hiatus from Blogville as my life has been pretty good and then pretty bloody shit!
Knowing how painful it is to revisit that shit I have not written for some time as I know from having previous Blog writing now for a good 14 years that your old memories can be cathartic but also extremely painful at the same time.
I think it was a cowardly move on my part as I refused to see the truth or even to write it, knowing how stupid I would feel going back over old ground, I really didn't want to put that out there for the world to see or sadly even myself.  Maybe in hind sight recording all the shit would've helped me get to this point a little quicker and with a damn sight less heartache and damage along the way..who knows, that part cannot be changed, all I can do now is look forward and try not to make the same mistakes again!  The same mistakes with the same man, again!
FFS woman listen to your own inner radar and smarten the fuck up before this life swallows you completely!
I feel totally broken right now. Just about hanging on to whatever semblance of dignity and pride I have left...there's not much of it and it is very precious so I am doing my utmost to do this right.  pace myself and get ahead of the game once more.
I will get my fuckin shit together!
Eat, Sleep, Repeat!!!

Studpidly yours Sugar x