Truths

The truth is.....

I haven't wondered at all what you look like 

What you sound like in person 

How you smile 

How'd you look at me 

Or have I?

The truth is.....

 I felt something that very first phonecall 

It was almost like an electrical charge 

I felt the need to be connected to you 

But couldn't understand why

I just knew I wanted to talk to you again 

The truth is....

I've imagined far too many things 

Scenarios, conversations and even touch 

You keep me awake at night 

And alert all day 

I do nothing but smile 

Even through Covid! 

The truth is.....

I hope in person I feel everything I do now and more 

I hope this feeling is tangible and not imaginary or fleeting 

Can two people know each other so well and as yet, not met each other?

Sally x 

"Just Coffee?"

 I've been twisting inside myself 

Keeping this secret 

Well not really a secret, more of a confession

A revelation if you will 

Another side of myself I have not yet exposed 

As many of us do, I have this innate fear of being judged 

Of being looked at a certain way 

And that eats away at my confidence 

And my self worth 

But above all things honesty is the one trait I value above all else 

Which is why I need to be honest with you 

There are two things I have not shown about myself 

Neither one of these changes who I am 

But could possibly affect how you see me 

And ultimately saying Hello over coffee! 

I don't know where this is going 

Or even what this is? 

I mean, it's intense and has happened so quickly 

My head is still spinning 

I don't know what you see, 

Or how come random texts have turned into full blown opening our souls up 

I should've stopped it before it snowballed 

Should've stepped back and just kept quiet 

Even now I'm thinking "Why are saying anything, it's just coffee!"

But what if it isn't 'just coffee' ?

I feel so very comfortable in your presence and yet we've not even been in the same room 

Have to admit, it's fucking with my head big time

But I'm trying not to analyse the shit out of it

If it's 'just coffee' then all of this is irrelevant

And my confession or my truths can be put to bed 

If it's just mates, with dinner and movie nights it's all good 

If it's a night out dancing, setting the world to rights as good friends 

That sounds perfect. 

Anything more, and I will bare my soul 

And let you decide then, if coffee and an axe are still on the table !!!

Is it just coffee?

Sally x

 

It's Okay

 Those walls around you 

So carefully constructed

Each brick, logically  placed 

Each memory carefully boxed 

And filed 

And I've taken a hammer to them! 

It's okay 

To feel exposed

Vunerable 

Naked even 

You're on this rollercoaster right now 

Without a safety bar or seatbelt in sight 

I see you 

Those memories, although tangible 

No longer have the power they used to 

Those thoughts so considerately put to bed 

Can no longer claw at your conscience 

It's all part of the make up of you 

We all have ugly parts 

Darkness like treacle, seeping into all our goodness

Doubts and insecurities clawing their way to the surface 

Step back and breathe 

Revel in all that you have conquered 

And bloody smile 

A great big, Cheshire cat smile 

And say "Fuck you World!'

Cos you are way stronger than you feel 

Just have a little faith in yourself 🙂

Sally x

The Psychopath Joker

 Hey you 

I see you, 

Hiding 

Masking your unrest with humour 

Chasing with devilment and a teasing wink.

Hey you 

I see you 

That soft spoken 

Once broken,  charmer of a man 

Shamelessly open and honest 

Hey you 

I hear you 

Have felt that pain

Touched that darkness 

And embraced the unknown

Hey you 

I hear you 

Those silent screams 

Filtering  unanswered questions 

Sifting through life's dilemmas 

Hey you 

I see you 

I see the light in you 

Through you 

Around you. 

And 

I 

Smile 😊

Sally x

Here once more...

What can I say, I have an extended hiatus from Blogville as my life has been pretty good and then pretty bloody shit!
Knowing how painful it is to revisit that shit I have not written for some time as I know from having previous Blog writing now for a good 14 years that your old memories can be cathartic but also extremely painful at the same time.
I think it was a cowardly move on my part as I refused to see the truth or even to write it, knowing how stupid I would feel going back over old ground, I really didn't want to put that out there for the world to see or sadly even myself.  Maybe in hind sight recording all the shit would've helped me get to this point a little quicker and with a damn sight less heartache and damage along the way..who knows, that part cannot be changed, all I can do now is look forward and try not to make the same mistakes again!  The same mistakes with the same man, again!
FFS woman listen to your own inner radar and smarten the fuck up before this life swallows you completely!
I feel totally broken right now. Just about hanging on to whatever semblance of dignity and pride I have left...there's not much of it and it is very precious so I am doing my utmost to do this right.  pace myself and get ahead of the game once more.
I will get my fuckin shit together!
Eat, Sleep, Repeat!!!

Studpidly yours Sugar x

You can't?

Of course you can't!
Can't love me the way i need to be loved.
Can't be the man i fell in love with...
Can't do all the little things that make me feel good about myself..
Can't see how your words and actions hurt so cruelly...
Can't send the odd text just to let me know I'm in your thoughts..
Can't kiss me other than the daily morning and evening peck..
Can't roll over in bed and touch me....
Can't hold me and say it'll all be alright...
Can't have a conversation and ignore your phone...
Can't get by an evening without at least two hours browsing on your phone..
Can't sit next to me..
Can't pay me a compliment...
Can't have a car journey without either criticising my driving or every other fucker on the road....

But it's not really that you can't is it?
Its just that you can't be arsed.
Simple fact is we are just not worth your time and effort.
Just not important or a priority in your life enough for you to put your shit down and look the fuck up and smell the coffee..

Too late.

This bitch has ceased making your coffee.

You're on ya own!

Fuckwit!!!

I dunno what i was thinking!

How I thought this ever could work between us..it just can't!
Your a square peg trying to fit into a round hole...not matter how hard you try (and at times even your keenness surprises me) its just not going to happen...impossible situation.
I've tried to be visible, tried to love you...give myself over to you with all that i have...but its just not enough!
I can take being second best, I can live with coming after our daughter in your list of priorities, but dammit even she isn't first....she or I never were, sadly never will be.
The first person on your list is you....always you.
If it please you.
If your happy.
If you can't see a problem with your behaviour.
If your not hurting.
If you deemed it as a joke.....
You
You
YOU!
I pity you.
Even though your stand offish ness and your pride and your ignorance hurt like hell.
Your words, like razor blades on my soft, sensitive skin.
Ripping open old wounds and allowing that darkness to creep back into my soul once more.
Its bad enough that you don't see me, but these days you don't even look at me....eye contact is rare.  Almost as rare as intimacy.
I'm obviously just a thing that needs an occasional hug, kiss goodnight or quick (very quick) fuck to shut up every once in a while.
I thought you loved me.
Do these things sound like love to you?

I pour my heart out to you in letters and texts and you seem to hear what I'm saying, replying with a gentle word or two a crumb of hope for the helpless.
But when i ask to talk, you insist there is nothing to talk about and that I'm the one who is 'off', I'm the one with the problem..you're fine!
You can't understand why I'm behaving like this, won't understand. Not interested.  Because you know what..your ok!

I don't wanna be in a relationship where my husband "enjoys my company", well fuck not til I'm 80 or something when "company" is all there is on the menu????
I've given up buying anything remotely sexy, well not for the likes of you anyway..it would be a complete waste of money.  You ignore me the most in the bedroom.  Unless its of course about your needs and then I might as well be made of latex, filled with air and have a couple of gaping orifices ..cos that's how you make me feel.  Nothing loving there.  Nothing that makes me feel like you  respect or even care that I have feelings, a heart , a name even!

What have you done to this woman?
What have I let myself become....this is the more prudent question.
What indeed?

Stupidly yours

Sugar xx