Alot has happened since then, I am now a Mrs, again.
Things went smoothly on the day,not so much maybe leading up to it, or after it come to think of it..things are still teetering on the edge of fucked up! But hey, I made my bed and now i gotta die in the damn thing!
Someone once said to me "How long you gotta bang your head against the same brick wall till you realise that nothing is gonna change, it still hurts just the same each time!" I guess I'm just not ready to give up...yet.
Life in the past year has been pretty difficult, me and the Mr were in a car accident, a minor one, both had back and neck injuries which took their toll on our personal life, our social life, our wedding, our honeymoon our sex life! Nothng has really been the same, not for a long time. Its only now, almost 18 months on and I can say that i am almost back to normal, physically, although i think i will now always have a problem with my neck, unfortunately i guess thats just the way it goes sometimes, there are people alot worse off than me, in a lot worse situations and in a damn site more pain than i am on a day to day basis. I must admit there have been times when i didn't think i could get through the day without painkillers, muscle relaxants and physio!
Emotionally i guess the accident has really kicked us in the teeth. We became strangers almost, we couldn't cuddle, touch or hold each other without one of us hurting the other..that kind of forced ban on intimacy really creates a wedge between two people, couple that with the stress of planning a wedding into the mix and i'm suprised either one of us made it down the ailse at all!
Its now only days til Xmas, for me the best time of the year. I do my damndest each year to get my kids what they ask for, within reason. And go out of my way to get those special, maybe not anticipated but fully appreciated presents. Except of course where the Mr is concerned. He's not really a present guy, not a romantic, not a giver. He's not even a great receiver! He is the single most complicated person to buy a gift for (and why am i bothering?) I don't know, I love him?. It gives me great pleasure to go hunting out those unique presents, although these days i pretty much stick to practical stuff where he is concerned, i've learnt over the years that spending money, buying music or films i think he would like or jewelerry or aftershave even is a big mistake...its never used, wasted. It breaks my heart sometimes to think that the most intimate gifts are ones he appreciates the least.
I basically do Xmas, single handedly, even coming down to buying my own presents sometimes, because he doesn't have the time, wouldn't get the right one, worried that he'll get it wrong, so he doens't bother..sounds pretty piss poor when you say it out loud.
I guess it is.It'll be the same routine, me wrapping til gone midnight Xmas eve, having a drink on my own.
I usually buy everything, wrap everything. Choose and buy the food, cook it and he'll carve the turkey and stand back and admire the xmas pudding he made.
He'll be silent most of the afternoon, in a corner, occasionally speaking trying to be polite, when everyone goes home he'll have a jubilant look in his eye and sigh and sit back in his chair and check his phone, again (because the world could've stopped spinning since this morning when he last checked it) and he'll complain hes tired and worn out and glad its over for another year, when i'm the one thats done all the work. And i'll smile and try not to cry, and be upset that all my effort and hard work is just wasted on that man and that to him Xmas is just another day, an excuse for people to spend too much, eat too much and entertain people they don't like or give a shit about, infact i know if it was up to him he'd love nothing better than to be out on his bike xmas day, all day and come back when everyone has gone home, all the present giving has been done and games played, silly jokes read, party hats worn and just sit in his chair and complain about the same old shit they stick on the tv.
Ho fucking Ho!
xx
