How I thought this ever could work between us..it just can't!
Your a square peg trying to fit into a round hole...not matter how hard you try (and at times even your keenness surprises me) its just not going to happen...impossible situation.
I've tried to be visible, tried to love you...give myself over to you with all that i have...but its just not enough!
I can take being second best, I can live with coming after our daughter in your list of priorities, but dammit even she isn't first....she or I never were, sadly never will be.
The first person on your list is you....always you.
If it please you.
If your happy.
If you can't see a problem with your behaviour.
If your not hurting.
If you deemed it as a joke.....
You
You
YOU!
I pity you.
Even though your stand offish ness and your pride and your ignorance hurt like hell.
Your words, like razor blades on my soft, sensitive skin.
Ripping open old wounds and allowing that darkness to creep back into my soul once more.
Its bad enough that you don't see me, but these days you don't even look at me....eye contact is rare. Almost as rare as intimacy.
I'm obviously just a thing that needs an occasional hug, kiss goodnight or quick (very quick) fuck to shut up every once in a while.
I thought you loved me.
Do these things sound like love to you?
I pour my heart out to you in letters and texts and you seem to hear what I'm saying, replying with a gentle word or two a crumb of hope for the helpless.
But when i ask to talk, you insist there is nothing to talk about and that I'm the one who is 'off', I'm the one with the problem..you're fine!
You can't understand why I'm behaving like this, won't understand. Not interested. Because you know what..your ok!
I don't wanna be in a relationship where my husband "enjoys my company", well fuck not til I'm 80 or something when "company" is all there is on the menu????
I've given up buying anything remotely sexy, well not for the likes of you anyway..it would be a complete waste of money. You ignore me the most in the bedroom. Unless its of course about your needs and then I might as well be made of latex, filled with air and have a couple of gaping orifices ..cos that's how you make me feel. Nothing loving there. Nothing that makes me feel like you respect or even care that I have feelings, a heart , a name even!
What have you done to this woman?
What have I let myself become....this is the more prudent question.
What indeed?
Stupidly yours
Sugar xx
