I'm Missing You

 Crazy I know 

What the actual fuck!

I miss the smile in your voice 

Your damn argumentative chat 

Your crazy lines 

Your endless stories

Your cunty nature x

It's been days 

Just hours of knowing you 

But I really know YOU 

Cos you've allowed me to 

And I'm humbled by that 

I'm scared and excited in equal measure 

But i want to know more  

I want to know your scent 

How you feel skin on skin 

How your tongue dances in my mouth 

How your hands feel against my thigh 

I want to feel your whispers on my neck 

And you growl in my ear 

I want to hear you say 

"Sugar,  I want to kiss you!" 

But most of all I want you to wake...

Be 100% 

And blow my damn phone up 

Cos your missing me too ....

I see you

From one lost kid to another,

I'll hold your hand in the dark 

I'll help you shed that cloak you wear 

The one that shields all the pain and emptiness 

From unsaid words and empty thoughts 

To a safe haven 

Arms that are always open

A heart that always wishes you well 

An ear that never grows weary of all the hurt, the anger and guilt 

A voice that calms your spirit 

And sates your soul  

Eyes that will always speak the truth 

Honesty first and foremost 

A hand that fits yours 

Comfortably 

Instinctively 

And is given freely 

Without note or need for recompense 

Lean into me 

Trust my word 

Friendship is a given 

Anything else 

A fuckin bonus!

 

Two worlds

Roped together,

By chance,

By fate?

History, seemingly irrelevant 

As we coil around each others thoughts.

Pushing ever closer to touch

To feelings

And unchaste emotion.

A knowing,

As in a mirrored version of oneself,

Familiarity,

And yet all the excitement of this outside chance.

Minutes slip into hours,

Into days.

And yet there is noticeably no recognition of  discussion,

Or at least no defining detail.

Where do these moments go, 

How do they slide by without consequence?

Are we time blind....

What is it that has us bewitched into stretching the intervals of measurement?

What clock now defines our days?

I wait for your word,

As my lips give over to unsophisticated wonderment 

I trip over my expression in your company.

Naive,

As in years before,

All of this unfamiliar to my crushed soul.

Your touch,

So tempting,

Warm

And beguiling.

And yet,

So inaccessible,

For now.

That smile

 I see that smile in your eyes

And I know it's for me

I want to look at you

But your eyes see through to my soul

I feel so open

Full of raw emotion

Tentative and new

Yet so familiar

Your hand fits perfectly against my cheek

Your mouth  close against my own

Like our lips have returned to one another

Seeking that knowing

Forcing forward an all too remembered ache

My heart it knows you 

My skin alight at your touch 

Fiery torture invades my thoughts while I sleep

A gentle gnawing resides within me 

Which only your presence seems to quell

Hours tick by into days

And yet time has no boundaries

There's just a nothingness without your face

Your smile

Your whispered words

Come rescue this tortured soul

Glide into me

Fill me with all that you know

Hold me

Ease this want

Spare me this suffered silence

For its you I have waited for

Sally X

I think of you

My thoughts wander to you often

More than they should 

I find myself imagining your smile 

The one in your eyes

Hoping it's for me .

I imagine your hands, how they'd feel against my skin

How your whisper would feel upon my neck 

How your soft, sweet words would feel in my ear 

In person.

I want to hear the words so badly 

Want to see how your body reacts to me 

I want to hear you say my name again and again 

Curl into you, glide over you and envelope you completely with desire 

I ache for your touch

Constantly. 

But I'm so afraid 

Afraid to feel and let go 

Aware that this could all be one sided 

All in my head 

All my secret longings exposed 

But I can't back away 

God I want to hold you 

And be held 

All night 

And the following night...

I want to taste your hunger 

See if it matches my own 

I'm hoping it does.

Is this a thing ? 

Could we do this...

Is this just fantasy? 

I want it to be real 

I want to meet you 

More than ever.  

God I hope  you feel the same x

At dinner

 I just wanted to touch you, 

You were smiling at me 

And all I could think about was what your hand would feel like I'm mine

Dinner was a blur, 

I just wanted to be next to you 

And I couldn't in that scenario 

I wanted to talk 

And watch you listen 

And see your face when you spoke to me 

Watch that smile spread across your face when something playful was said 

I wanted to breathe in your scent 

And touch your skin with my lips 

Your mouth, your neck and every other part of you I had imagined devouring 

Knowing you're in a public place and having an ache slowly simmering away inside of you is deliciously wicked 

And fuck I wanted to be wicked! 

I wanted  to climb into your lap and whisper exactly how much I wanted you 

And have every part of me  writhe against you 

Coaxing your resistance to nothing 

I ached for your hands to caress my breasts,  kneeding them and me into submission 

I wanted to offer you my throat and have you taste the sweetness of my longing 

I wanted to disappear into the delirium of my sexual fantasy and take you right there with me!

In the rain

 You held me for the first time 

Our eyes met 

And that smile I'd been missing 

Just suddenly appeared.

It felt good to be in your arms 

You were suddenly real to me 

And you smelt so fuckin good 

I was just drinking you in 

And then you kissed me 

One small kiss 

Ever so subtle 

But strikingly overwhelming.

And now we had to go to dinner!!!

Back in my car, all I could think of was Fuck!!!!!!

Fuck..he kisses like that......what are his hands gonna feel like...

His skin against mine 

His voice in my ear?

My head was awash with a myriad of images 

Most of them semi-naked! 

I'd  wanted you all week, 

Fell in lust with that cheeky smile, that until now, I'd only heard,

Id replayed scenarios over and over 

Imagining different colourful scenes 

But never did I once picture that first Hello under an umbrella in the rain!

Xx

What did you do?

 Where did you go?

You were real, I know you were 

You said it! 

Did you seriously ghost me? 

Was all of that...

Those words, the music, the compliments the laughs 

Just for a fucking shag? 

Seriously...

All of that, those big feelings 

That emotion we struggled to contain 

Is that gone? 

Was it there? 

Fuck, I can't believe that you faked that? 

I don't want to believe that 

But what's the alternative? 

If those feelings were real and like mine all consuming 

You would have a massive void in your life right now 

I still feel your loss and it's almost two weeks with not a single word 

I can't believe you've just disappeared  

Cut me off 

Dropped me 

Fuck it 

What did you do?

7 days

 That's all it took.

Saturday last week I was in your arms 

You woke me 

Kissed me 

And slid into me all over again.

A week ago I was in your arms 

Your bed 

Under your skin 

For the first 

And now it seems, the last time 

I can't fathom it at all 

It felt too good 

And not just the physical 

Which was amazing 

But I'd fallen into your arms days before we met 

And that's where I wanted to stay 

It felt right 

Like home. 

7 days of crazy 

And now 7 days of almost silence 

It's an agony I'm not sure I'll get over 

To have that pull towards someone and then have to keep them at arms length 

It's not easy 

It's the cruellest request of all .

Id take a single text right now 

A phone call 

A hug 

Oh god you give the best hugs 

I was only in your arms a short while 

But how I miss them 

I miss you x

What to say?

 To you.  

So many things, so many unanswered questions 

I'm not ready 

I can't really express what I want or how I feel 

I just don't know.

That word platonic is just a stand out?

God I really want to see you again,

More than anything 

But I can not shut off how I feel 

And I don't know if I want to 

I like the way you make me feel 

I want more.

I think I'll always want more.

If it's just as friends then why do you want to see me again?

Isnt that just sweet agony 

Well I think it will be for me 

I want to hold you so badly 

And be held 

You give great hugs. 

Ive missed them 

I've missed you 

Everyday.

Xx

I don't know where to go

 With my thoughts.

They are all over the place right now.

Standing back I can see the error of our beginnings 

It wasn't rational or logical or even conceivable

That we could sustain that level of heightened emotion 

Impossibley doomed before we began 

I'd like to go backwards 

Start again 

More gently, more mindfully 

Me with my broken heart  

You with your broken thoughts 

And nourish this magnetic pull we seem to have 

But in a way and a pace that fits us both 

However slow and chaotic that may be. 

Just don't let go. 

I can't shut my feelings off just like that 

I can't be shown the most impressive work of art in the gallery 

Then be told I can never lie my eyes on it or enjoy it ever again 

That is the cruellest joke of all 

Look what you could've had Sally.. 

Everything you ever wished for, wanted and didn't think you deserved 

All in one person 

But you can only keep them at arms length?

I'm not sure I can do that 

Not sure I'm strong  enough or even have the mind to 

We will see 

Miss you x

24hrs

...almost .

Nearly an entire day without you 

Complete silence 

Nothing 

It's fucking agony. 

Have you just been able to cut off entirely?

Or put me in a box and put the lid on? 

Is that possible after all we felt? 

Was it even real for you? 

God it felt so real.

Still feels real,

Feels raw,

God so achingly raw.

I'm not sleeping again,

Not eating again.

Fuck, what's the point?

There's just nothing...

There was you.....

And now there's this huge void.

I just feel numb 

And so very empty.

I miss you x

Bubble burst!

 It happened.

It really did.

And it was real, so so real.

If only for that moment.

I feel like someone has removed a limb 

I get it 

I do. 

You gotta function 

And so do i,

But Fuck, I don't want to right now.

I just wanna crawl inside myself and weep.

How can something build to a crescendo in two weeks 

And then be whipped away to nothing? 

I can't unfeel these emotions and I can't erase my thoughts 

Text messages and pictures and voice notes ...

All gone.

Even your number I can, and have deleted.

It's the only way I know how of stopping myself from reaching out to you 

Fuck it 

I don't want to be friends right now 

I don't want anything else except the picture you painted 

And the promises you made 

Fuck, every fibre of me just wants to me next to you 

And I understand this fucks with your head 

And mine too.

Im hoping that given a few days and busying yourself at work you mind set will be different. 

I'm hoping you can't live without me in your life,

I'm hoping you really wanna see me again. 

I'm hoping we can get to a happy medium with texts and calls 

I don't wanna lose what we've found

And I certainly don't wanna be a one night stand 

I'm glad I have here 

Glad I have somewhere to write and to let go.

If I'm not talking to you I have to get it out somehow 

So here seems the best place.

I miss you x

Fuck, I am undone!

 You 

It's always been you 

You have slid inside my mind 

Carved your name in my chest 

Ripped through all my walls and spoken directly to my soul. 

I feel everything 

It makes me feel so deliciously alive 

And lost 

Terrified 

And achingly wanton. 

I am both lost for words and yet have so many to tell you 

Each breath is a step closer to you 

It feels like I'm walking on sand 

And yet  I'm almost floating in this dizzying pleasure.

You have opened up a Pandora's box 

A huge wave of emotion that threatens to engulf me 

My arms so tired of being empty are now at last full 

My heart, wow, my heart is twice the size it was a week ago 

And my soul is alight 

Every part of me longs to discover you 

Please you 

Adore you 

I want to be enveloped so fully within your emotion 

Within you 

You 

It's always been you 

Sally x

Truths

The truth is.....

I haven't wondered at all what you look like 

What you sound like in person 

How you smile 

How'd you look at me 

Or have I?

The truth is.....

 I felt something that very first phonecall 

It was almost like an electrical charge 

I felt the need to be connected to you 

But couldn't understand why

I just knew I wanted to talk to you again 

The truth is....

I've imagined far too many things 

Scenarios, conversations and even touch 

You keep me awake at night 

And alert all day 

I do nothing but smile 

Even through Covid! 

The truth is.....

I hope in person I feel everything I do now and more 

I hope this feeling is tangible and not imaginary or fleeting 

Can two people know each other so well and as yet, not met each other?

Sally x 

"Just Coffee?"

 I've been twisting inside myself 

Keeping this secret 

Well not really a secret, more of a confession

A revelation if you will 

Another side of myself I have not yet exposed 

As many of us do, I have this innate fear of being judged 

Of being looked at a certain way 

And that eats away at my confidence 

And my self worth 

But above all things honesty is the one trait I value above all else 

Which is why I need to be honest with you 

There are two things I have not shown about myself 

Neither one of these changes who I am 

But could possibly affect how you see me 

And ultimately saying Hello over coffee! 

I don't know where this is going 

Or even what this is? 

I mean, it's intense and has happened so quickly 

My head is still spinning 

I don't know what you see, 

Or how come random texts have turned into full blown opening our souls up 

I should've stopped it before it snowballed 

Should've stepped back and just kept quiet 

Even now I'm thinking "Why are saying anything, it's just coffee!"

But what if it isn't 'just coffee' ?

I feel so very comfortable in your presence and yet we've not even been in the same room 

Have to admit, it's fucking with my head big time

But I'm trying not to analyse the shit out of it

If it's 'just coffee' then all of this is irrelevant

And my confession or my truths can be put to bed 

If it's just mates, with dinner and movie nights it's all good 

If it's a night out dancing, setting the world to rights as good friends 

That sounds perfect. 

Anything more, and I will bare my soul 

And let you decide then, if coffee and an axe are still on the table !!!

Is it just coffee?

Sally x

 

It's Okay

 Those walls around you 

So carefully constructed

Each brick, logically  placed 

Each memory carefully boxed 

And filed 

And I've taken a hammer to them! 

It's okay 

To feel exposed

Vunerable 

Naked even 

You're on this rollercoaster right now 

Without a safety bar or seatbelt in sight 

I see you 

Those memories, although tangible 

No longer have the power they used to 

Those thoughts so considerately put to bed 

Can no longer claw at your conscience 

It's all part of the make up of you 

We all have ugly parts 

Darkness like treacle, seeping into all our goodness

Doubts and insecurities clawing their way to the surface 

Step back and breathe 

Revel in all that you have conquered 

And bloody smile 

A great big, Cheshire cat smile 

And say "Fuck you World!'

Cos you are way stronger than you feel 

Just have a little faith in yourself 🙂

Sally x

The Psychopath Joker

 Hey you 

I see you, 

Hiding 

Masking your unrest with humour 

Chasing with devilment and a teasing wink.

Hey you 

I see you 

That soft spoken 

Once broken,  charmer of a man 

Shamelessly open and honest 

Hey you 

I hear you 

Have felt that pain

Touched that darkness 

And embraced the unknown

Hey you 

I hear you 

Those silent screams 

Filtering  unanswered questions 

Sifting through life's dilemmas 

Hey you 

I see you 

I see the light in you 

Through you 

Around you. 

And 

I 

Smile 😊

Sally x